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Santa Jokes

the illuminaughty

Merry Christmas! This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Santa Jokes. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…       Where does Father Christmas go to chill out, relax in a forest, and take a spa? Santa Parcs… Why does Santa spend January filling in his tax… Continue reading Santa Jokes

Christmas Decoration Jokes

Disappointed that even my Christmas tree lights go out more than I do at Christmas.

This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Christmas Decoration Jokes. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…       What do Santa’s elves use in the kitchen instead of a knife or fork? A u-tinsel. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Hornaments… I’m worried that… Continue reading Christmas Decoration Jokes

Star Jokes

Came third in a Star Naming competition. I got a constellation prize.

This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Star Jokes. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… What do you get if you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk? The Star Spangled Banner. Saw a 70s television programme about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone. Star… Continue reading Star Jokes

Microwave Jokes

Realised how long you put fish in the microwave to reheat it. Tuna half minutes.

This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Microwave Jokes. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… I had an unbelievably hot curry last night. It was a Korma, but I microwaved it for twenty minutes. Friend of mine was sent to prison for six months for stealing microwaves.… Continue reading Microwave Jokes

Plan Jokes

I'm not sure whoever signed off the Club Tropicana business plan was the best advisor.

This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Plan Jokes. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… Had to give up on my plan to set up a business making work surfaces for kitchens. It was counterproductive. Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we’ll make a… Continue reading Plan Jokes

Bar Code Jokes

Priceless

This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Bar Code Jokes. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… When I was in the supermarket earlier, I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a bar code. I asked, “Are you two an item?” The zookeeper told me I… Continue reading Bar Code Jokes

Mask Jokes

Used to wonder how Darth Vader ate with that mask on then I realised he's probably force fed.

This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Mask Jokes. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… I’ve started wearing a mask to bed so that if I get burgled and I disturb them, they’ll think I’m part of their gang. “I couldn’t identify which one it was because… Continue reading Mask Jokes

Bonfire Jokes

Wish I'd never got a tattoo of a bonfire on my wrist. Loads of places won't allow me in with fire arms.

This week’s puns and one liners are all on the topic of Bonfire Jokes… As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night. He’s over the moon. A friend was having a bonfire, and I sprayed it with a fire extinguisher. He was… Continue reading Bonfire Jokes

Zombie Jokes

Saw some undead cheese. It was zom-brie.

This week’s puns and one liners are all on the topic of Zombie Jokes… As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… Going to the Rockies on holiday, and I’ve been told that in the event of a bear attack, play dead. To avoid any risks, I’m going to dress as a… Continue reading Zombie Jokes

Navy Jokes

Got a twelve inch sub. Just about enough space for my two navy mice.

This week’s puns and one liners are all on the topic of Navy Jokes… As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… The reason why Swedish naval ships display bar codes on their hulls is so that, when they return to harbour, they can Scandinavian… “I saw a chap with a big… Continue reading Navy Jokes

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