Grass Jokes

"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden" said the man looking forlorn.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden" said the man looking forlorn.

With Spring well under way, the grass cutting has started again, and that’s given me a topic for this week’s puns and one liners.  Here are some grass jokes, and as normal, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…



Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.


Chap I know went to the doctor and said “I keep singing The Green Green Grass of home at karaoke”. The doctor said “you’ve got Tom Jones syndrome.”


Got some advice about by lawn from Hulk. It might surprise some, but he does have green fingers.


Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He’s a lawn mooer.


I was on the grass looking for caterpillar tracks. That’s when I got run over by a tank.


I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.


How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.


A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.


“Someone’s stolen the grass from my garden” said the man looking forlorn.


I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.


Walked by a rehab centre the other day. The sign on the lawn said “keep off the grass”.


The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.


A friend of mine is his team’s best footballer on paper. Unfortunately they play most of their games on grass.




Last week’s mouse jokes are here.

If you like these grass jokes, there is an alphabetical list of joke topics here.


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