The more astute of you may have spotted that today is 14th February, and therefore today’s topics for one-liners and puns is Valentine’s Day jokes, although these are probably not the best way to foster romance. They do, of course, come with the usual caveats with no guarantee of being either funny or original.
Not surprised tennis players keep getting divorced. Love means nothing to them.
Went to a restaurant last night with my wife. Chap said “Do you have reservations?”. I said “Yes, the food is probably overcooked and bland”.
A friend replaced his bed with a trampoline without telling his partner. She hit the roof.
Friend of mine had a girlfriend called Arial for a while, but they split up. She just wasn’t his type.
Went shopping the other day for a Valentine’s present, and bought a barge pole. Thought I’d push the boat out.
I had a girlfriend once who was an X-ray technician. Was never going to last, she could see right through me.
I went to a wedding that was so emotional that even the cake was in tiers…
I was out on Valentine’s Day last year, and the chap at the table next to me ordered 27Oz of wine. I thought, “he’s having a carafe”
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought “he’s trying to pull a fast one”
I’ve just seen a paleontologist sat in a bar talking to a piece of coal. He must be carbon dating.
A few years ago, I asked the girl in the pet grooming shop out to dinner. She couldn’t make it though, she was washing her hare.
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent…
When I was in the supermarket earlier, I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”
I was arguing with a girlfriend in a restaurant once when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table and ran off. I wish he would stop taking sides.
Last week’s jokes about Fancy Dress are here.
If you like these Valentines Day jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.