wont be long

Shopping Jokes

The topic for this week’s collection of one-liners and puns is Shopping Jokes. As normal, they come with no guarantee of funniness or originality, but I do hope that you enjoy them anyway….




Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn’t remember a lot.


Ever since buying a digital camera, I can only think of it’s positive points. There aren’t any negatives.


I went to the filling station this morning for petrol. The first pump didn’t work, neither did the second pump, nor the third. I went into the shop and said to the person working behind the counter, “Have you got your pumps on?” She said, “No, I’m wearing Ugg Boots.”


Just been let down by the people who work at the fancy dress shop after I tried to order a Shepherd’s outfit. Can’t get the staff.


I’ve just received a letter saying that my friend has bought me a very expensive antique watch. I really hope it’s not a wind up.


I went to buy a new mattress the other day. I wasn’t sure about it, so the salesman told me to go away and sleep on it.


I walked into the fish shop and asked the man for a large fish.’Won’t be long’ said the fish shop man.’Well it better be wide then’ I said.


Needing paper, I went in a shop, and said to the assistant, “Do you keep stationary”? She said “No, I move about a bit”.


In a shop earlier, I asked for a watch with hands. The chap said “Analogue?”. I said “no thanks, just the watch”


Going to a fancy dress party as a sweet shop owner. Tried on my outfit,and my wife said “Give me a twirl”. I thought blimey, it must be convincing


Was going to buy a rare spider from a pet shop, then I realised I could pick one up on the web…


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any…


The local pie shop almost never closes. It’s 22/7.



Last week’s dog jokes are here.

If you like these shopping jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

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