At the last place that I worked, I had a reputation of telling corny jokes, for some reason. When I left, there was some concern as to who might continue with these after I left, so I collected together some that I had told in the office, posted on Facebook, or tweeted, and gave them to my colleague, Mike, who would then be the guardian of them after I went, and could manage to keep the office in good spirits with a few pretty awful jokes. I’m sure that he did a good job.
Now, I know that the internet is famous for giving people the opportunity to steal each others’ jokes, and some do get quite annoyed when their new material appears on twitter. There is very little risk of that with these jokes, as most of them are old enough to have been written in cuneiform at some of the ancient ruins that I have tweeted about recently… In fact, keep that thought of ancient ruins. It describes some of these very well…
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “not very good at following instructions”.
I told a friend of mine that he was obsessed with power. He said “Watt?!?”
Apparently the first electrical detective was Sherlock Ohms.
Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn’t remember a lot.
A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest. It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.
Found a note in my letterbox saying A MYS. No idea who it’s from. It’s a bit of a mystery.
The electricity company cut my friend off without telling him why.. I don’t know why they’re keeping him in the dark
I saw an advert saying “Hairpieces from £5”. I thought, “That’s a small price toupee”.
I do enjoy playing “telekinetic snooker”. However, you’ve got to be in the right frame of mind for it.
I hate going to MC Hammer’s house. He wont let me touch anything.
The local pie shop almost never closes. It’s 22/7.
I knew a man who chopped down trees in his sleep. He was a slumberjack…
Apparently shellfish borrow money from the local prawn broker.
Oysters never donate to charity. They’re shellfish.
Two fortune tellers meet on the street. One says to the other “You’re fine, how am I?”
Fluorescent lights only hum because they don’t know the words.
A dermatologist friend started his career from scratch.
Best defence when attacked by a bear is to throw moisturiser cream. Blocks the paws.
Worried about the snake that ate the Meccano set. Apparently he’s now a boa constructor.
Told the doctor I’d hurt my arm in several places. He said to stop going there.
Needing paper, I went in a shop, and said to the assistant, “Do you keep stationary”? She said “No, I move about a bit”.
Question at pub quiz: “Name a race of French speaking people from an Island in the Mediterranean.” I said “Corsican.” Wife said “Go on then”
I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on floor panels. “No” the librarian replied, “We keep them on shelves here”.
Two tree surgeons walk into a bar. The barman Says “What you having, fellers?”
Ever since buying a digital camera, I can only think of it’s positive points. There aren’t any negatives.
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