swings from cake to cake Tarizpan

Nut jokes

It’s November, and the season of nuts in the UK, so as I have spent the last few weeks munching through hazel nuts, walnuts, peanuts and the like, here are some nut jokes. As normal, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…




I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. I start by crushing it, adding some basil and pine nuts and then I blend them with some Parmesan and olive oil and, hey, pesto!


A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “in a nut shell, it’s an oak tree”.


Police found the local ice cream man in his van covered in raspberry sauce, nuts and hundreds & thousands. They think he topped himself…


I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.


Why was there peanut butter on the road? It went with the traffic jam.


Two peanuts walking down the road, one was assaulted…


Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pyramid covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. It’s believed to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.


Saw an almond in space once. Think it was an astronut.


I would tell you a joke about peanut butter but you might spread it.


What’s yellow, smells of almonds and swings from cake to cake? Tarzipan.




Last week’s turnip jokes are here.

If you like these nut jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

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