Half Jokes

How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.

You might say that many of my puns are at best half jokes, but these half jokes are all puns where the world half makes an appearance. A few might be a bit tenuous, but nothing new there. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…




They say football is a game of two halves. My mate Dave can get through about seven pints during a match.


I bet on a horse at 10-1. It didn’t come in until half past three.


I keep turning the TV on half way through a frame of snooker. I just can’t get a break.


Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.


I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my liver, he gave me half a pound of onions.


Managed to cut my bills in half. I haven’t saved any money, just a bit obsessed with my scissors.


A friend was in a band called Half Man Half Bull. The played a few gigs across the Midlands. It was a minor tour.


Was working as a delivery driver. Asked the recipient where he wanted his giant roll of bubble wrap. He said “pop it in the corner”. Took me three and a half hours.


Saw a radioactive cat. It’s got eighteen half-lives.


Got a Bon Jovi sat nav. Apparently we’re half way there.


How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.


Greek mythological team had a striker who was half man, half horse. He was their centaur forward.


A friend was making jam from a banana when he stopped half way through and couldn’t go on. We suspect it’s a mid-Fyffe crisis.


Went to the taxi driver reunion. Everyone turned up half an hour late.


For sale: Watch with half a face. For a limited time only.


I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.


Couple of friends went to a shop selling half price flat fish. Cheap skates.


A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.


I like to break the rules. I had an After Eight at half past seven once.




Last week’s pigeon jokes are here.

If you like these half jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

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