As it’s the 20th December, it seems that there is only one topic that would be appropriate for this week’s puns and one-liners, and that is, of course, Christmas Cracker jokes. I know that this list normally comes with the health warning that they are not particularly funny or original, and that is especially true this week. I will be quite surprised if you have not heard these before….
Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught…
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 8lb 4oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger…
How did Scrooge manage to score the winning the goal? The ghost of Christmas passed…
Pulled a Christmas cracker, only to find it empty. No joke.
How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle…
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf? He has Santa claws…
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even…
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet? Twenty Five. There’s “no L”…
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…
What carol is heard in the desert? O Camel Ye Faithful…
What does Santa do to look after his three gardens? Ho Ho Ho…
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve…
What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker…
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we’ll go places…
What do angry mice eat at Christmas? Cross Mouse Puddings…
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Hornaments…
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elfabet…
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps…
What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws…
What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses…
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells…
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker…
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice crispies….
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis…
What do you use to drain your carrots at Christmas? An advent colander…
What does the King call his Christmas Broadcast? The One Show…
What does the King call it when he takes a photo of himself? A Onesie.
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days…
What is an ig? An Eskimo’s house without a toilet..
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson…
What goes Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards…
What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow…
What’s green, tinselly, and goes “ribbet ribbet”? Mistle-toad…
What’s white and minty and furry? A polo bear…
Where do snowmen go dancing? At the snow ball…
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas? Noël Coward…
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws…
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy…
Who is Santa’s favorite singer? Elfis Presley…
Why is it hard to wash the dishes at Christmas? Because the Fairy is on top of the tree…
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles…
Why did Santa put his CDs in the snow? He wanted some cool music…
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles…
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer…
Why does Santa have a really big umbrella? Because of all the rain, dear…
Why did the police officer climb the Christmas tree? He wanted to get in to Special Branch.
Why did the turkey join the band? Because it had the drumsticks…
Why don’t penguins fly? They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve? Auld Fang Syne
There is a link to last week’s Christmas Jumper jokes here.
If you like these Christmas Cracker jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.
And you can have a joke like these delivered on the hour, every hour now by following us on Twitter or liking us on Facebook.
