ex press train

Train Jokes

As I was on the train on the way home last night, I thought hat a good topic for this week’s puns and one-liners would be train jokes, so here are a collection of railway related gags. As always, don’t expect them to be too funny or too original…



A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.


Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.


I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”


Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.


Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.


I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.


Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…


What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the trains…


I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.


I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.


Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.


A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.


I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.


A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.


And of course… How would you work out how heavy a whale is?  You would take it to a whale weigh station….




Last week’s hat jokes are here.


If you like these train jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

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