Hospital Jokes

I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.

This week’s puns and one liners all have a medical theme, so here are some hospital jokes.  As normal, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…




Who’s the coolest person in the hospital? The Ultra Sound guy.

Who stands in for him when he’s on leave? The Hip Replacement Guy.


A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist.


A man goes to the hosipital and says, “Doctor, I think I’m a bit hard of hearing”. The doctor replies “Can you describe the symptoms?” The man says “Sure. Marge has blue hair, Homer is fat and bald”.


Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.


Friend woke up this morning coughing badly, think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.


A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.


I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.


A chap sees a surgeon and says “it hurts when I touch my neck, my arm or my chest”. The doctor says, “you’ve broken your finger”.


A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. He said he could feel it in his bones.


I said to the doctor at the hospital, “I keep dreaming my eyes change colour”. He said “It’s just a pigment of your imagination”


Friend parked in a hospital car park. Attendant came up and said “this is for badge holders only”. He said “but I’ve got a bad shoulder…”


I asked a surgeon if he could give me something for my liver, he gave me half a pound of onions.


Had to wait ages for my X-ray today at the hospital. There was only a skeleton staff working.


Why did the doctor laugh at the X-ray of an arm? He found it humerus.


The Infectious Diseases ward of my local hospital has great wifi because of all the hot spots.


My local hospital has an area where people very earnestly read Auld Lang Syne and similar poems. It’s the Serious Burns Unit.


I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.


A dermatologist friend of mine started his career from scratch.




Last week’s CIO jokes are here.


If you like these hospital jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

And you can have a joke like these delivered on the hour, every hour now by following us on Twitter or liking us on Facebook.